


Breath of Life

by bigasscutie



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Flashbacks, M/M, Please give it a try, Short One Shot, Suicide, Triggers, post chapter 72, totally made up ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-20
Updated: 2015-08-20
Packaged: 2018-04-16 08:58:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4619358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bigasscutie/pseuds/bigasscutie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I’m glad you decided to stay. Welcome to the Survey Corps.” Erwin spoke so proudly, staring at Levi with such energetic, lovely eyes. Levi blushed. “I am sure your presence here will make an important difference to us all.”<br/>“Thank you.” The shorter man replied politely, stiffly.<br/>“I am counting on you, Levi.” The voice of justice. The voice of life. Levi raised his head up, meeting him halfway. One glare, one single look enough to change him forever. Trust and respect swallowed him. I won’t let you down, he thought, privately. And he never did. </p><p>-----</p><p>After Erwin decides to go on a mortal mission, Levi finds himself on the edge of a beautiful, scaring cliff. He wants to live, he wants to die. He remembers the fight, he remembers his last night with Erwin, and then his death. A battle of painful, desperate feelings goes on inside of him. </p><p>Post chapter 72; because i was too sad about the whole thing basically.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Breath of Life

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoy sad people suffering :)

**_Calm_ **

 

Heavenly light hits your face. It’s pure, quiet and it warms your pale skin. The sun, the heat, kiss you gently like your mother would do in your earliest days. Like he would do.

Incredible calm invades you. You, one of the few soldiers who lived. Humanity’s strongest. You did it, and you can’t understand why. Always the one who gets left behind, as if death were a nasty privilege you couldn’t possibly afford. You ask yourself why it must be that way. You stop asking when you remember why you are standing right where you are.

 

_“Captain!” Screams and shouts caught Levi’s attention, while he was busy killing yet another titan. Three, four, five of his men died together exactly the moment he had turned his head to answer them. An arrow hit him, because, as if it wasn’t hard enough fighting giant monsters, now they had human enemies too. Levi cried out for pain, for anger. Then he shut down, forgot the arrow, forgot the sorrow. He kept fighting, nothing bothering him anymore. It was automatic. Titans falling like broken dolls under his eyes, dry emptiness clouding his heart and brain._

You contemplate the magical, terrifying sight you have chosen to fight yet another battle, to solve yet  another problem. Your final, regretful problem.  

A gust of wind brings you back, cold, making your blood freeze. You close your eyes and inhale. You breathe in, breathe out. Slowly, you meet your beating heart again. You listen closely, oh how miserable does it sound. You wonder how is it possible for it, for you, to still be so full of life and be yet so broken. It’s a heart you don’t need anymore, you disapprove of it, you hate it. It cringes inside of you, and you silently cry out.

 

_It was almost done, almost over. Levi had stopped keeping count of the dead bodies, humans or titans, at one point. Feeling victory so near he wasn’t even looking around him, he was only killing whatever came at him. And all, without saying a word. He wanted to win, he wanted to stop, he wanted to never stop feeling the blood running down the faces of his enemies, of his demons. The only thing he could hear loud and clear was his heart, drumming inside his chest and never leaving him alone. He trusted his heart, and during that battle, he knew he had gone back of years. He was feeling exactly like he had felt when Farlan and Isabel had died. Same kind of rage, of impulsive decisions, which only led to revenge and personal satisfaction against a world he hated, he loved. No one there to stop him, no one there to tell him that he should have stopped and cried over his friends. But he would have soon found out. Silence becoming his worst, favourite nightmare after that._

You are forced to open your grey, striking eyes. Your mind is desperately calling for help, a help that will never come because you have learned to be stronger than your own instincts. Your body wants to survive, it wants you to turn around and leave that place. It doesn’t trust you, and it’s  right. It knows your eyes are witnessing departure, mortality. They are witnessing pure terror and the beauty of an immense, vast world you never belonged to. A world so open; such a waste of space. Ironically enough, you feel trapped.  

You begin to remember, as you heart calms down. An illusion? You had found this place one day, months after the end of the war. You rode, you never stopped. You told everyone you needed to go away and explore the world the others were missing out. Because they were dead. As you should have been. You lied, of course. You were only a lost soul, alone in the wild. But then you had arrived there.

The spectacular, green meadow you have loved so much since the very first second, is now surrounding you in all his majesty. You can feel the wind ruffling the neglected, natural grass around your bare feet. You breathe in, breathe out. You must use your whole strength not to lose it right there, right now. You don’t know what is it, that weird feeling that is keeping you whole, but you thank mother nature for it. You need those last peaceful moments. You deserve them. Or maybe you don’t. They aren’t peaceful. An illusion.

You look up, your abandoned eyes finally facing the awful truth. The dark, blue and rough ocean and the golden, primitive and cloudy sky are battling for you over the extremely delicate edge of the horizon. You know the sea is going to win, eventually. Colours that remind you of his deep eyes, of his soul. You sigh, you take another step.  

 

_The last titan was finally dead and enemies were running away. Levi sighed, at the view. He was way too tired to even try and fight them too. They weren’t his responsibilities either. He stopped and finally dropped his weapon. A moment of peace before observing the remains of the battle. The horror, the barbarity before his eyes spread wild over the wide, dry field, as he was standing on his feet without moving._

_Weak, far voices were calling him. He started moving and step after step after step he went from ghostly walking to running towards the void. His whole squad was dead. His friends were dead. Eren, Armin. Levi kept running. Jean, Hanji. He couldn’t stop. Connie, Mikasa. He never stopped. Not until he definitely knew that all hope was gone, he was all alone. He was forever going to be alone. Crashing to the ground, he started to shake violently. He couldn’t save them. He stayed like that, hands in his hair and fighting back absent tears, for what could have been hours for him. Until he heard a voice. A voice that would have destroyed him, that would have soothed him for the last time._

 

You remember how you used to dream about this. You know how everyone would talk about the world outside the walls. Their wishes crashed. But now _you_ have it all. And now _you_ don’t want it the most. However not even you, in your dangerous grief, could dare and deny that what you are admiring goes beyond any dream you all ever had. And it brings you peace. You had what you wanted, what they all wanted, and now you can let it go. The thought invades you and calms you down. A calm you never felt before. The calm before the storm.

 

**_Storm_**

 

Before you know it a distant, new wind hits your sensitive cheeks. It makes you freeze again, it penetrates your whole body, no pity shown. Before you know it the orange sky begins to gloom, turning violet, and the nice, kind clouds turn into vicious shadows which violently cover your beloved, sad sun. A strong smell of sea, of danger and rain reaches for you. You can hear the water under you stir without shame. You can feel the air changing, you glare at the nervous birds flying next to you. You miss flying, you miss feeling the wind on your side. Soon, you think. Moisture wraps you suddenly and your bones give in as you are buried in a burning haze. Sharp pain roars in your head, it brings you on your knees. The world around you starts to spin, fast.

 

_Levi’s head started to hurt. After their last meeting before the final mission he couldn’t stay calm, he couldn’t just sit down and wait for the morning to come and take him to certain death. And he wasn’t thinking about his death. He started to pace around the room, a gesture he used to do only when actually very nervous. He started to walk and clean every little object in sight. He ended up cleaning the whole room, twice. Only an hour had passed, he couldn’t do it. He needed to talk to him, to make him reason and to tell him how crazy the whole thing was. He didn’t care about anything the man had to say, he needed to try and stop him. To hell with following his orders. It was much more than that, and his commander knew it too. He had to know. Levi knew that he could actually see inside of him, he knew what kind of storm was going through him right after he basically told him he was going to die. For that night, Levi would have disobeyed, and he wouldn’t have cared. Levi was sick of losing the people he loved._

As you slowly start to lose your mind, million of voices in your head begin to murmur at you. Don’t do it, they say. You can’t listen to them. And what was once quiet is now loud and horrifying, a choir made of  life, death, prayer and surrender. It echoes, a drop of heavy rain falls on you for every yell coming from the depths of your essence. Thick rain is now washing you from your clarity and confidence. It’s drowning you in doubt. You want to drown. You want to breathe. Your heart is beating faster and faster and of course you have lost any ability to think. There is no thought able to comfort you now, only the spectral ghost of your comrades shining right in front of you. Panic has you in its arms, you can’t escape. You want to live, you want to die. You want to scream but only a silent, useless moan comes out of your mouth. In the confusion of it all, you remember how once you were everything but this helpless. How you still believed in something more, in something stronger than just offensive chaos. 

 

_“It’s madness.” Levi slammed the door behind him once he entered Erwin’s office late at night, and of course he was there. “It’s complete bullshit, and you know it.” He continued, anger raising his harsh voice._

_“Levi-”Erwin tried to stop him. It didn’t help, because Levi wasn’t willing to listen that time._

_“I mean, the whole mission is crazy enough. But that’s okay, you know? Because, usually, you are pretty fucking good at your job and at coming up with strategies.” Levi started to close the space between them, rushing towards Erwin’s desk. The commander stood up quietly while Levi was fuming._

_“But you coming! Well  that, even for you, is a poor, terrible decision. You are insane. I don’t care about what you said to me before. You can’t go. We can’t afford to lose you. I-”_

_“Levi, listen-” Erwin circled the desk to find himself in front of his loyal captain. He was frowning and looking so little, and scared. It only made Levi more upset._

_“Tch, look at you. I should really break your stupid fucking legs!” In a loud groan Levi punched Erwin’s chest, head bent over to hide threatening tears. “I would never, ever forgive you if you die.”_

You jump, startled. Lungs hurting, as if someone had just punched your chest. Rumbling thunders fill up your ears. One after the other, they scare you. They sound like titans, they sound like you. An infernal tune for your judgement day, examining your sins. No miracle could save you, and you know it. You were never lucky, fate was never fair to you. Not even when you fought against it, especially then.

Quick, blinding lightings hurt your eyes. You shut them, you shut yourself down almost laying on the ground. There is no need for words, for prayers, really. You will never know peace, whatever you felt before was just an illusion, a cruel joke. And now you scream. You scream so loud your voice becomes one with the thunderstorm’s song. You scream so loud the sea’s delirious waves seem to dance along with your delirium.

 

_“It’s a sacrifice we- I have to make.” Erwin simply stated._

_“What?” Levi raised his head up abruptly. “Really?” An hysterical laughter came out. Another punch against Erwin, shiny and fearful eyes piercing through him._

_“You are fucking unbelievable.” Stopping the next punch Erwin gripped his wrist. The childish, helpless look disappeared from his face making way for his usual imposing expression._

_Levi knew, though, what was he doing. He knew how to read Erwin, how to understand what the light in his eyes meant every time. The commander stopping Levi from hurting him physically didn’t block him from telling him what he truly thought. Levi burned him with an intense glare._

_“Let me go.” Levi whispered angry. He tried to pull his arm back, but Erwin was stronger than him, in that situation. And maybe Levi didn’t want to let go. That could have been the last memory of touch between the two of them, and he wanted to print it in his head. Every sensation, his fingers against his pale skin. They were burning and Levi felt cold._

A bitter, cold shiver runs over you. You feel weak, you feel hopeless. You clench your fists, you hit the ground. You never stop screaming. You scream, you cry. Warm tears, that you weren’t expecting, intensely caress your face. They hinder the cold of your skin, and the sudden contrast feels like a dream of life, of consciousness you never had. Your yells turn into hardly growled words. You say your name, their name. You shout his name. The obscured light coming from the unfriendly sky illuminates you, it pours down on you. You are soaking, you are pathetic. In a furious surge of anger, you get up, you stumble in the muddy grass. You get nearer to the edge of the cliff, you look like an hurricane. Like a wild, mad animal. You are breaking down. You can’t take it anymore, the anger hurts too much. Like it did the first, the last time.

 

_Levi freed himself from Erwin’s grip. In a quick jerk he took control and overwhelmed the taller man with his agility. Groaning loudly he slowly led Erwin against the nearest surface, he grabbed his shirt’s collar and pulled him close enough to face him, to not let him escape._

_“Fuck you” Levi almost spitted on his face. Silence. Hesitation. He squinted his eyes and screamed at Erwin from the inside, as only hissed words could be heard in the room._

_“Oh! Oh, so now you don’t feel like saying anything, do you? Don’t feel like brainwashing me with your stupid speeches about honour and courage, do you? You are a fucking coward.”_

_“Stop.” Erwin’s lips turned into a thin line. His blue, ocean eyes starting to glow. Fresh wind blew from the window and ruffled Erwin’s perfect golden hair. He was so beautiful, Levi had to take a moment to find his breath again and keep going. He couldn’t let himself be distracted. Still, that could have been the last time he would have been able to contemplate his stunning face. He almost brought his small hand to Erwin’s cheek. Almost. He clinched his fist against his shirt, instead._

_“You are a coward, oh you are. It’s so much easier to go die than staying here waiting for the bad news, knowing you’ll have to manage all the shit it’s going to come out of this suicidal mission all by yourself! So much easier.” Levi laughed bitterly, then continued, never interrupting the intense eye contact they had before established. “You’re a selfish bastard, too.”_

_“Stop. I mean it, Levi.” His name on Erwin’s lips echoed in his hurt heart, he almost stopped. He didn’t._

_“A selfish bastard who doesn’t even care about his own people dying! Oh, not as long as humanity can have a chance. A selfish bastard who doesn’t even realize how much chaos his death would bring! Who doesn’t even realize how fucking painful for everyone,_ for me _, it would be if he was to d-” He didn’t have the time to end his blaming sentence. He found himself swiftly dodging Erwin, who was trying to hit him, furious. Vicious. Out of himself. Afraid._

You fight against the rain. You fight against the hostile wind, a liar bringing you wet lies about how you could still lead a normal life. You never felt more alive. You never felt more scared. You cling to your broken heart, you feel it as it bursts loudly in your chest. Dashed colours, dashed hopes, they combine with the sparkling rocks coming to light in between waves. You fight against the ocean under you. You welcome it in the end. You hear it whispering to you soft promises of sweet death. You believe it. You can’t go back, nothing will ever be the same. You will never be yourself again.

 

_That night they fought. With every missed punch, with every empty kick Erwin tried to vent all of his insecurity, his doubts. Levi understood, he let him fight. In fact, he needed it too. They kept hitting each other cautiously, even though the intent of hurting each other was all there. But it wasn’t._

_“I’m not selfish.” Erwin would growl in between battle movements. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. You don’t know how much I care. You never understood why I am doing this.” Levi wouldn’t reply. “You don’t know shit.” Erwin was swearing, he was upset. The fight went on for a couple of minutes, making a complete mess of Erwin’s office, leaving drops of blood on each other and tearing each other’s clothes almost apart. Erwin was tired, exhausted, but Levi didn’t give up. He kept going. Offended, hurt. Of course he understood, he just didn’t want to accept his reasons. Truth was, they were both selfish bastards._

_As Erwin tried to hit him for the last time, Levi stopped him nimbly and this time he vigorously shoved him against the wall, blocking him there with his strong forearm against his chest. Without even noticing he had taken his knife out, its blade now dangerously pressing against Erwin’s throat. Like the first time. Like the last time. Levi’s hand was trembling, anxious. Erwin stopped, panting. His eyes locked with his._

_“Are you done?” Levi asked, digging across his neck a little bit more. Erwin hissed._

In your madness you ask yourself how was it possible for him to believe. You remember him believing in everything he said, he did. Every action was the right one, every thought the fairest. No one even dared contest him. Only you. But you trusted him. You remember how much you admired his strength, his determination. You never had that. You only pretended, every time. People adored you but it was all a lie. You were always weak. It’s not just now, with your knees on the ground and the screaming that you are fragile, hopeless. You always were. You always needed a guide, something, someone. You needed to be the shadow of a powerful light. And you had found that light. And you had lost it. A flaming light that had cut you heart open, that had made you bleed, made you cry. A sweet light that had made you love.

 

_Levi’s other hand went up to Erwin’s throat and tightened around it. It almost looked like a lover’s gesture, it wasn’t. He was sure he could have squeezed more, he wanted to. Knowing Erwin would die because of his own hands and not because of titans would have been such a relief, but since the other man wasn’t even trying to stop him, he let go. He turned around abruptly, hating him from behind his back, the knife falling and clattering on the floor. His hands still shaking. He wouldn’t dare looking Erwin in the eyes now._

_“I’m sorry. I know.” The commander admitted slowly, his captivating voice able to cradle Levi’s soul with just four words. The captain calmed down, just enough to reply anyway._

_“You know,_ what _?”_ _It’s harsh, Levi couldn’t let his true feelings be heard out loud._

 _“Do you really believe I didn’t think, not even for a moment, how much thi-_ my death _would be a burden for everyone?”_ _He took a step towards Levi, who didn’t move._

 _“I know._ _I know that you would suffer.” He felt so sure of himself, Levi couldn’t stand it._

_“I wouldn’t.”_

_“Then why did you say what you said before? Why am I so selfish then?”_

_“You are. And I was.. I was just angry and trying to make you reason, somehow.” Levi’s voice staggered._

_“Levi.”_ _Erwin sighed tenderly, tired. “There’s no need for this. If I’m really going to die, we might as well be honest with each other.” The commander wasn’t stupid, he knew how Levi felt about him. He know how Levi looked at him. Levi knew how Erwin felt about him too. He knew what every little touch meant between them, longed-for at all times. They never talked about it, none of them ever dared to make the first move. There was no time, it was never right. Too much training, too much fighting, too much pain, risk, always. But they knew. They trusted each other more than themselves, they counted on one another. Levi always on his side, Erwin always supporting him. They had grown into each other, in all those years, but never said a word._

_Levi completely ignored him, he wasn’t strong enough. Not even then, when it could have been the last time to say it. “Why?” He asked, for the last time. The question obvious upon his lips. No answer._

_“If you want to die, be my guest then. Whatever.”_

Your soul, your heart give up. You are a lonely ghost. You never had the time to love. You did only that night you remember so well. You never had the time to live. Only with him near. Whatever. It hurts. It stabs you. You cry out.

_Levi stepped towards the door, he wanted to go to his room. He wanted to hide away forever, he wished he could have had the possibility not to show up the morning after. However, he knew that wasn’t him. No matter how Erwin was wrong, of course he was going to be on his side. Defending him, fighting for him, for his causes, his dreams._

_He never got to the door, stopped by Erwin’s strong grasp on his arm. The blond man turned Levi around and without any warning their bodies collapsed, their souls found each other. Their mouths met after an endless moment of tension, hesitation, but once they did there was nothing, nothing, Levi wouldn’t have given in exchange for eternity in Erwin’s arms._

_He drowned in Erwin’s rough, searing kiss, devouring his soft lips. He moaned, he gasped. Erwin’s hand was cupping his cheek, was pulling his hair, was touching his neck, bringing him closer. The warmth it offered him began to spread, like a delightful fever, throughout his powerless body. He needed more. He could feel his own heart beat raising fast. Excitement. Fear. Love. He was feeling everything at once, he was feeling nothing at all. He grasped at Erwin’s nape to move him closer, needing to fill the emptiness he knew he would have encountered soon with his lips, capturing and rubbing his wet tongue with his own, aiming to deprive him of his delicious, hot breath . Levi was searching for a breath of life, desperate to lose himself in his beloved, trusted light. He wanted to have him all. He wanted to never let him go. Levi kept kissing him for what it felt like hours. He was in heaven, kissing a dirty, beautiful angel. Their panting grew, the touching became frantic, not ever enough. Their lips sliding over each other smoothly, teeth biting down, noses bumping. Levi loved every second of it. It was too much. A curse it would have never forgotten. He stopped, looked into Erwin’s eyes, panting. How big, how blue, how beautiful they were. How sweet, how gentle, how tired._

How dead.

 

 _Levi’s hands grasped at Erwin’s shirt, angry, shocked. Their foreheads crashed as they kept breathing into each other. Erwin looked at him, his glare the most beautiful gift he could have given Levi before leaving forever. The commander raised up his hand and dried out a falling tear on Levi’s cheek, a tear Levi didn’t even notice. He shook his face, embarrassed._ _His cheeks flushed deep red, he glanced down. In vain, though, because Erwin placed a finger under his chin and tilted his head up._

_“Don’t hide.”_

_“Tch.” Erwin, surely surprising Levi, giggled. Sadly, but he did. A wide smile spread across his bright face. Then, he broke Levi’s heart._

_“I’m going to miss you, Levi.”_ _A sweet, slow, fatal kiss on Levi’s forehead, a silent known goodbye._

 _“Shut up.” Levi hushed him with another quick, real kiss._ _Too violent, too afraid, it didn’t even count in his memories. They both ended up hugging each other,holding tight, sighing, thinking. Levi moved away, eventually._

_“You’re not going to change your mind.” Not a question. Erwin shook his head._

_“Well, be careful.” He caressed Erwin’s warm cheek one last time. He disappeared._

_“You too.” He heard behind him._

 

****

****

****

**_Death_ **

 

I love you. I love you. I love you, that’s what you should have said. The words stuck on the tip of your tongue. That night, after you kissed him, after you finally found him. You should have said I love you. You didn’t. You should have said don’t go. You didn’t. You should have done something useful. You should have saved him. You didn’t. You feel like the real coward. The real selfish bastard. The thunderstorm more violent now, it’s hard to stand on your knees. It’s harder to stand on your feet. The heavy rain weights on you, it doesn’t bring you peace, it doesn’t reassure you. It cries on you, with you. The sky, you are convinced, is crying because it knows you aren’t able to admit what you always felt, not even now. You are alone. No one is listening, no one ever will. Erwin will never listen, and yet those words are so hard to dig out. I love you. You should have said it. But would it really have made any difference? He’s dead. I love you. A violent thunder rumbles over the sea, you let it shake you. It doesn’t scare you anymore. I love you.

 

  _On the battlefield he ran towards that familiar voice. He jumped over dead bodies. He ran over his friends and didn’t even looked at them._

You grab your head and pull and push, you cover your eyes and scream in agony. Truth is you are breaking down, finally, after days, weeks and months of numbness, of nothing. Nature treating you like a stranger, like the oldest friend, you damn yourself. You know you are wrong. About what? You cared, you lost. You know you did wrong. Always. You regret. Something he would never have approved of. You are disappointed in yourself. He is. You believe it, you know it. You have been selfish, mean, cruel. You forgot everyone. Everyone else you ever cared about, what about them? No. He was more important. And you feel sick. Your stomach twitches and you almost throw up at the memories. At the guilt. You were only born to suffer, to wreck.

 

_Levi found Erwin, in the end. The sight terrifying. He wanted to threw up, he wanted to keep running, to leave him there, too. Erwin’s body was lying on the ground still bleeding, all damages fresh from the fight. His left leg torn to pieces with remains of it leaving a horrible trail behind him, a river of flesh and blood. His side ripped, a wound that almost reached for his inner organs. The stink of it made Levi sick. All of his body was actually covered in bruises, deep cuts, deadly wounds Destroyed. Hopeless. All of it, except for his face. Erwin’s beautiful face was the only untouched part of him, as if no one would have ever dared ruin it, the face of a dirty, fallen angel. A face left in a battlefield of terror, still rumbling weak words. A dry mouth calling for the captain’s name. All for humanity’s sake. Levi gasped, bringing his hand to cover his mouth. His eyes open wide. Panic, that was what he had felt when he saw him there._

 

Your heart stops, it starts again. It stops. You are not screaming anymore, your voice is weak, is afraid. Nothing inside of you wants to scream now, you are done. What is the point of it, you ask yourself. You want to move forwards. Take another step. Standing up. You do, you stumble. Nothing matters anymore, it’s all gone. Forever.

A word that paralyzes you. Forever. A concept you are not willing to accept, not when you know your only forever died a long time ago. Forever. A word that makes you panic. Your red eyes stare into the void, into the infinite. They hurt. You breathe in, breathe out. Your body aches. You breathe the fresh, kind air around you and you notice it has changed. A cleaner smell, pleasant. You notice that it is not rain pouring down your face anymore, it’s your endless crying. You notice how the wind is tearing the dark clouds apart above your head. The world is proposing to you with a peace offer. You want to take it. You want to refuse. You don’t understand this new world, so honest with you.

You remember your childhood, your first day with them, with him. You remember the fights, the plans, the anxiety. You remember the pain you felt after every mission. You remember caring, and suddenly running away. You remember how you despise pointless death. You remember how much you love life, you love the sky above you, the grass underneath you. You love spring, you love how the sun heats your face. You love winter, when everything looks dead and yet there are children laughing, yelling, because they love the snow. You love snow, so pure, so clean. You love life. You loved life. A thought after the other invades your mind, and you are not even bothering to control them anymore.

You wonder what Farlan, Isabel would think of you now, when you are willing to lose everything at once. Selfish, they would call you. You wonder what Erwin would think. Coward, stupid, he would think. Other reasons to end it now, you are not able to quiet down the voices inside your head. Not anymore. You need, you want to do something. Panic strikes through you. Instinct keeping you breathing. You shake your thoughts out. Death is sinister, frightening. No moon, no stars, no sun inhabits death. You feel alone. But death doesn’t have to be that. Death can be your new dawn. Your peace. Death is expected, welcoming. Death is the night you need before reaching for your darling light again. And you need to become darkness. You need to be a shadow for the last time, before finally turning into a whole being again. A whole only possible with a brave glow by your side, a flare you will never find on earth. Not anymore.

 

_Erwin’s eyes opened slowly as he  noticed Levi there. Big, blue, beautiful. Eyes with still a flicker of resolute glow inside of them. They searched for Levi. They told him to calm down, just for a moment, for him. Erwin groaned, Levi came back to earth. For a moment, for him._

_“Erwin-”He stuttered, crouching down to stretch an insecure hand to Erwin’s still intact hand. How warm was it, how cold._

_“Levi.” Erwin coughed, blood spitted through his teeth. “Levi.” He kept calling his name, watching him, treasuring every second of the sight in front of him. Levi did the same._

_“Erwin. We can save you. I can save you, I can take you at the base you just need to hold on and I.. if I put you on my horse in the right position, if I keep you together during the trip we can make it. I mean you leg is gone but that was my plan all along.” Levi laughed hysterically. “Come on. You can make it Erwin, come on. I can save you. You can still live Erwin, come on, stand up. Erwin. Why are not moving already? Erwin!” Levi’s senseless rant started calm, rational and ended up in a rush of pure panic, again. Scaring delusion. Erwin only staring at him, a weak smile spread across his face. As if Levi’s yelling was just a terrible, dark joke. Erwin squeezed Levi’s hand in his. Levi breathed in, breathed out. He sighed, closed his eyes and squeezed back. He knew it was hopeless to even try. It would have been much less painful to just die there. He breathed in, breathed out. As a wise man once taught him, a wise man who was dying in front of him._

You breathe in, breathe out. You need to be rational again, you need to find enough madness hidden inside yourself to make the last step. You are scared, you are relieved. You decide being dead is better than being hurt. Being dead is better than remembering. Remembering a wise man who wasn’t there anymore. The last drop of your tears kisses your mouth. It’s warm, it tastes of salt, of heartache. It tastes of surrender. You need surrender. You need courage. You are so tired of being a living paradox, imprisoned in stabbing thoughts. Every memory connected with a part of yourself you don’t want to know anymore. You don’t know who you are. Not without him. You don’t count anymore. You never did. The world doesn’t need you. The sky clears in front of you, it’s beautiful. Gold, violet, blue. Another triumph of colours. The only heaven you will ever know on earth. It makes your heart slow down. You breathe in, breathe out. Sadness engulfs you.

 

_“I’m sorry.” Another agonizing cough. “Levi, I’m so sorry.”_

_“Don’t- don’t let me say it.” Levi shook his head. Erwin’s smile grew a little bit wider, and he gave up. “I told you so.” Wasting important remaining energy Erwin helplessly giggled, coughed._

_“You should have listened to me. You never should hav-”_

_“I would have won this war for you.” Erwin interrupted him, peacefully. Levi frowned, deeply confused. He was about to hear Erwin’s last words. Of course he didn’t want to, but he needed to listen and granted him at least that. Levi sat down completely, next to his resting body. He raised his other hand and started to stroke the blond’s hair, his smooth cheek, gently, slowly. The only comfort he could give him during those last moments. He never stopped staring at his big, blue, beautiful eyes._

_“I would have left the Survey Corps. I would have taken you somewhere far away. You-  you and I would have been so happy there. Maybe I would have even seen you smile, for a change.” Erwin glanced at him, moving his head very carefully, slightly. “Can you-”_ smile for me? _Levi did, he was sure that wasn’t a pretty smile at all, but he tried his hardest. He smiled, he cried a single tear Erwin didn’t neglect, he didn’t say anything though. Then he continued, while his strengths were quickly enough leaving his body. Forever. Levi cupped his cheek entirely, encouraging him to go on. He had never heard him talking like this, so openly, honestly, about what was inside his heart._

_And Levi was never so sweet. Never so patient, never so sad._

You try to smile at the ocean. You try to smile at the sky, at the wind, at the wasteland expanding before you. You obviously can’t smile. No one smiles before they die. Only he did. You imagine a future you will never have. A future he forced you to make up in your head after he trustily confessed to you. A pointless future. A pointless life. A pointless death.

 

_“I would have made you forget.” Erwin’s voice trembled._

You don’t deserve to forget. You live. You die in pain. You die in peace. You don’t deserve it. Your heart shrieks. You are so angry, so upset you don’t even have the ability to feel it. Anger consumed you a long time ago. It’s useless. You can’t forget unless you disappear. Unless you stop feeling.

 

_“I would have held you at night, when nightmares- I would have protected you from yourself. From all the bad things we saw, we did.” He kept talking, stuttering, mumbling, coughing. His breath was hard and heavy. Levi listened. Levi didn’t understand, was Erwin trying to be his kiss of death?_

You feel heavy, tired. All of a sudden the only thing you want to do is to lie down, again. Let yourself fall and rot in the land of no one. Alone. You want to sleep forever. You want to dream. You want to forget. Nightmare after nightmare, you remember them all. You stay up. You don’t even dare touch the ground, not ready to face your subconscious’ fantasies now. Or never again. Another reason to halt your beating, full of life, heart. You feel numb. Demons rush before your eyes, demons with his face. With a face you know so well, with a face you have never seen, cruel, skinless. Demons who play with you, make fun of you. They make you believe he’s still there, they shatter you. Titans who are kind with you, humans who betray you. Numbness, emptiness that confuse you. What is real, what is not. You don’t know. So heavy, so light. You feel everything at once, you keep remembering, the memories as unwanted lovers.

 

_“It would have been good, between us. Between us all, I mean. Especially with you, though.” Erwin stopped in real agony this time, his hand almost crushing Levi’s. He cringed and pain rushed through his body. “Erwin, stop. There is no need to tell me all of this. Please, stop.” Levi begged him, so scared of seeing life abandon him definitely. Anything to keep him alive, even if for an extra, excruciating second._

_“Imagine a life without the war. What if you and I would have met in a completely different time?” Stubborn, Erwin was a selfish, stubborn, rightful bastard who always had to have the last word._

_“I wouldn’t even have looked at you.” It was meant as a joke, but the words left Levi’s mouth bitter and quiet. Erwin smirked anyway._

_“I would have.” Their eyes met, burning each others’ souls. A confession Levi wasn’t expecting. A confession Levi would have wanted to hear in a completely different time, a different place. He replied with a  soft acknowledgment, then the commander talked again._

You hear drumming inside your chest. The words burned, imprinted inside of you. Loud and clear, sweet and lovely. You remember the last words he told you. You die inside. Again. You are already dead, you don’t even know why it’s taking you so long. Maybe you don’t want to let go. To let him go. Maybe you are afraid. Maybe he’s on the other side, though. Maybe he is there, ready to welcome you with open arms. Ready to finally meet you in a completely different time, a different place. Ready to love you as you deserve. But you don’t deserve it. Maybe you don’t want to face him, not as you are now. Maybe you are the one who wants to love him, love him as he deserved.

 

_“I would have looked. I would have done anything for you, Levi. I would have given you everything.” Erwin’s lucidity was beginning to falter. His next words dragged out by a force Levi couldn’t understand._

_“I would have loved you, Levi.”_

_“Shut up.” Levi frowned worried, hurt. “You- You’re dying. Fuck. Your last words should be about how all of this was worth to humanity or some shit like that. Shut up, Erwin. Shut up.”_

_For a second disappointment, sorrow spread across Erwin’s face, as if Levi’s rejection wounded him deeply. But then his features smoothed, leaving space for understanding. He knew Levi. He always had._

_“I’m sorry.”_

_“Shut up. What are you even talking about?” Levi was shaking hard, annoyed by Erwin’s unbelievable calm. Annoyed by his groans, and cough. Annoyed, furious about the fact that he was going to die._

_“I’m sorry I couldn’t love you, in this life. Not enough, not like I always wanted to.” Erwin paused, his breath jumped. His heart skipped a beat. Then two. Three. His eyes spread wide open, thick eyebrows formed an agonizing  expression. It was time. “Levi-”Erwin’s head let go, it leant slowly on the ground followed by Levi’s shocked hand. He left him with such a soft voice._

_“Erwin. Erwin!” Levi screamed grabbing Erwin’s upper body. He violently, oblivious of everything else, held him and pressed him against his chest. Shaking he kept yelling his name. He kept shouting but no one answered. He didn’t cry. He didn’t let go. He turned Erwin’s head towards him and contemplated death, mirrored in his eyes. His big, blue, beautiful eyes. There was no life inside of them anymore. No more light in his bright eyes. Nothing._ I love you, I love you. I love you. _A mantra that kept running in Levi’s head as he lifted Erwin’s heavy body and carried him to a safe, quiet place. Far from the blood, the others. He placed him down gently, caressing him for the last time. “Be careful.” Levi whispered, his last words to him. He closed his dead eyes, and then he left. Forever._

You take another step towards the edge. One more and you can disappear, scatter your body and your soul to the solace of the ocean and the shiny rocks. You are tired, again. All of your regrets gather around you as old friends. All of your old friends gather around you to say goodbye to you, say welcome. Doubts eat you up. You should do it, right now. You should go back, don’t even think about it. It’s useless, what’s the point of a life lived in pain if you are going to end it this way? It’s useless. What’s the point of keeping living like this? It hurts. It only hurts, all the time.

You are always quiet, you don’t talk to people anymore, you never get attached to anyone new. You don’t have the strength to do that ever again, even though titans don’t exist anymore. You know men will be worse. They will kill each other. You know they will destroy this world, this world you longed for all your life and that now doesn’t belong to you. You don’t belong to it. You breathe in, breathe out. Tasting the air, you find yourself enjoying the view immensely, as if it is the first time you are seeing it, again. It’s beyond belief, how much beauty you have found in such a lonely place. You feel like you have a lot in common with it. At least you had, once. You know, you remember you had beauty in you. You remember people adoring you from afar, praising your flying body. You never bragged about it, but it felt good. It always felt good when you knew he was looking. You felt proud. You feel so stupid now. Stupid, hopeless.

He’s dead. He’s dead. He’s dead. You grimace and groan. Another mantra echoing in your lonely mind. I love you. I love you. I love you. More regrets hit you. A thousand times, the last few months, you have thought about this moment. A thousand times you have looked yourself in the mirror and hated what you were seeing. Your skin wasn’t yours anymore. Your eyes, those grey, empty eyes. Whose were they? You know they aren’t the same eyes he loved. You are not the same man he loved. Almost loved. I love you. I love you. I love you. You would have died for him, you would have saved him. You want to go back to that day, to fight. You want to go back, you would. You would a thousand times.

You want to save him, hold him, kiss him, love him. You can’t. You have to carry the pain. You need to free it now. You don’t deserve anything you have. You don’t deserve life. You need to follow the light, to find yourself again. You know you are on the other side. You know he is on the other side. You want to push yourself to the limit of the cliff, something is holding you back. Obviously, your body wants you to live. Your body and your mind, your heart are fighting a loud, terrible battle. They are tearing each other apart. Do it. Don’t do it. It’s forever, if you do it it’s forever. What does it change if you stay more. What does it change if you go away now.

You think about all the things you will never have, all hopes gone. His big, blue, beautiful eyes will never stare at you again. You had him once, you will never have him again. You kissed him once, you hugged him once, you didn’t even tell him you cared. Not even that. I love you. I love you. I love you. Do it. You will never touch his soft lips again, you will never hold him again. You will never travel far away, to the corners of the world with him, as he wanted. You will never watch him wake up next to you, you will never watch him smirk at you with his sleepy beautiful smile. You will never have a family with him. A home. Never. Nothing. I love you. I love you. I love you. Words you never said. Words that hurt. It’s too much. Suddenly, your body reacts. Your voice trapped inside of your arid throat. Dry tears on your face make you feel so aware of touch. You feel alive. It can’t last. Life is beautiful, death is more. You feel the blood pumping through your veins, your heart beating faster and faster. Be careful.

You think he shouldn’t have dared. He shouldn’t have died. It’s painful, you miss him. Finally, you admit it. It’s the first time, strange. You miss him. You love him. You loved him. He’s dead. Everyone is dead. You should be too. Why aren’t you dead already? But you feel alive. You feel so alive, why. You feel the wind strong, possessive. Again, you feel the ground under your feet. Your senses light up, you see distinctly as you never have before. It’s astonishing. You are speechless. The colours swallow you whole. You are one with them, with nature, with the world you don’t belong to. In another life, you would have lasted longer. You wouldn’t have lost. You would have won. You would have met him. You would have loved him. In another life. A life that was waiting for you on the other side. The other, infinite, obscure side.

You aren’t sure. You think there might be nothing on the other side. Maybe you should stay. No. Nothing, just pain. You can’t. You miss him, you miss yourself. Do it. Don’t do it. You didn’t say it. I love you. You never said it. What’s the point. You would have died to make him yours. You can now. You don’t mind. You will come back. You both will. In another life. It hurts. It’s too much, you can’t take it anymore. The anger. The empty feeling. The memories. Why do you always have to be the one left behind. It’s not fair. Life is not fair. A pointless life. You decide.  It’s enough. You are afraid. You suffer, your heart cringes. Your eyes close. Do it. Don’t do it. Do it. Goodbye, I love you. I love you. I love you. You forgive him.

 

_“I’m glad you decided to stay. Welcome to the Survey Corps.” Erwin spoke so proudly, staring at Levi with such energetic, lovely eyes. Levi blushed. “I am sure your presence here will make an important difference to us all.”_

_“Thank you.” The shorter man replied politely, stiffly._

_“I am counting on you, Levi.” The voice of justice. The voice of life. Levi raised his head up, meeting him halfway. One glare, one single look enough to change him forever. Trust and respect swallowed him._ I won’t let you down, _he thought, privately. And he never did._

 

Your body shakes violently, one last time. Then it’s quiet. It’s peace. It’s surrender. It’s safety, certainty that it is going to be better, on the other side. You breathe in, breathe out. Then, you take another step. You fly. You fly for the first, the last time. You land into soft, crimson darkness before reaching for your darling light, and so darkness you become. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hello folks! I'm sorry this maybe was too tragic, I hope it was good enough though.  
> Thank you for reading!


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